It’s national infertility awareness week. I spent many years yearning to have children and experiencing the hope/grief cycle of infertility and miscarriage. During that time, I spoke to few people about the grief and the challenges to my sense of control over my body and my life direction. Part of the reason I spoke about it so rarely is that well-intentioned people spoke about God’s will in ways that made me want to scream. Other well-intentioned people warned me against how hard fertility drugs could be on your body. Also not helpful.
I found comfort from friends or acquaintances who became friends because of similar life challenges. Some had experienced infertility. Others had experienced infant loss, preeclampsia, difficult abortion decisions, premie babies. They had different experiences, but the commonality was that it robbed them of the ability to think that everything unfolds just as it should. These people became my tribe. And the pain of that time continued to shape me long afterward. I didn’t share the news of my pregnancies very early or very widely. I was nervous that something bad would happen and then I would be forced to process my grief with people I didn’t want to talk to. I didn’t buy baby things before the baby was born because I didn’t want to have to return them if the pregnancy didn’t go to term.
During my time with infertility, I offered prayers to a God that I didn’t believe in. Those prayers were not rational but they were sincere and sacred. Intellectually, I didn’t believe in “that” God before I experienced infertility. But now my body knows too. Now, many years later, as the older mother of two beautiful humans, I still don’t believe that God “caused” my pregnancies and decided that others should not be biological parents. I am grateful beyond measure that I got to birth two humans. I don’t know where else to direct that immense gratitude than to the Creator of the multiverse. But I know that I could just as easily be traveling a different path. I’m not sure exactly how God works but I do believe that God hopes for wholeness for all of creation, individually and collectively. And I know in my bones that things often often do not work out as they should.
The prevalence of infertility can be difficult to estimate. The National Institutes of Health estimate that about 10% of people in the U.S. experience infertility. And surveys conducted by the World Health Organizations suggest that one in four couples struggle to get pregnant. Because infertility can be such a lonely experience, I found it helpful to remember (whatever the actual statistics) that I far from the only going through this experience.
For some people, being less alone involves a support group or an online forum. I got through that time because I tentatively reached out to people and asked them to tell me their stories or if they had resources to suggest. None of them could change my situation, but connecting with others who had shared a similar experience made all the difference in the world.
Written on April 26, 2019