Today is my Heart Day, the fourth anniversary of when my heart stopped beating temporarily. Every year, I get a little further from the acute feeling of almost dying. But the afterglow is still very much present because it’s not something you forget about or can unknow. It’s a strange thing to try to articulate, but in the moment that I almost died, I knew that I would be ok….I knew that the space/place you enter when you die is peaceful and accepting. But some mysterious reason (that I don’t know and you don’t know–although some people think they know)–it wasn’t yet time for me to go there. And the gratitude for that reality mostly comes in the form of little moments that I so easily could have missed:
• Emmy learning how to pee in a lake this week
• Watching Lydia discover the joy of graphic novels (with complex female characters—something that didn’t really exist when I was a child).
• Finally learning how to properly cook scrambled eggs
• The joy of getting comfortable new running shoes last week (even though my orthotics make them squeak with each step)
• Hearing Emmy say, “Mom I like being your buddy on the trail-a-bike but I think I am ready to practice without my training wheels again so I can ride my own bike. Then I can be in front sometimes.”
• Watching Lydia notice the kid at swim lessons who was not yet joining the group. She turned around and said, “What’s your name? My name is Lydia. Do you know anyone here? Me neither….well, now I kind of do, because now I know you.”
• Picking the best green beans in the world from my garden.
• Experiencing the giant used bookstore in Viroqua, Wisconsin.
• Nine hours of sleep last night! Halle-frickin-lujah, the best thing in the world.
July 17, 2021